Mental Load Women Feel and The Invisible List Fix: How to Stop Being the One Who Remembers Everything
- Shah Paree, M.Ed.
- Aug 22
- 2 min read
The Mental Load Women Can’t See — But Definitely Feel
If you’re anything like me, your brain is constantly buzzing with the next 10 things that need doing.
The birthday gift you haven’t bought.
The field trip form that’s due tomorrow.
The laundry. The lunchbox. The lightbulb that needs changing.
This is what we call the invisible list — the never-ending mental to-do list that moms and caregivers carry around like a second job. And the kicker? No one else can see it.
But oh, they benefit from it.
Why This Happens
As a state certified educator, I’ve taught countless lessons on shared responsibility, collaborative learning, and cognitive overload. But when it came to my home, I realized I wasn’t practicing what I preached.
I was carrying the invisible mental load women are used to carrying, defaulting to being the “reminder system” for everyone.
Why?
Because it felt easier in the moment to “just do it.”
Because no one else noticed what I noticed.
Because I didn’t have a system that worked.
The Shared Brain System: A Game-Changer
What finally helped me?
A simple, imperfect system that lives outside of my brain.
I call it the Shared Brain System.
Here’s how we set it up:
🧠 One Place, Not Many
We picked one spot — in our case, a whiteboard by the fridge.
It’s where we list the week’s “mental clutter” — upcoming events, forgotten groceries, kid reminders.
👥 Brain Dump Together
Each Sunday night, we sit for 10 minutes and dump what’s in our heads.
Even the little stuff: “We’re out of foil.” “Picture day Thursday.” “Doctor appointment next week.”
🔄 Ownership, Not Tasks
Instead of “Can you do this?” we ask: “Who owns this category?”
If my partner owns “lunches,” I step back. That’s their domain.
It’s not perfect. But it’s a start.
Educator Insight: The Power of Shared Responsibility
In teaching, we call this distributed cognition — the idea that we function better when mental tasks are shared, not siloed. Families are no different.
When the mental load is distributed,
everyone grows.
Everyone notices more.
Everyone shows up.
Takeaway: You Deserve a Break from the Invisible
If you’re tired of feeling like the only one keeping things afloat, start with this:
Create a shared space.
Get it out of your head.
Let others own their piece of the puzzle.
You are not a walking checklist.
You are not the family calendar.
You are allowed to rest.
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You’ve got this, mama. And you don’t have to do it alone anymore.
